Tribute: Today

1. I laughed today, until my stomach hurt. It was a loud and obnoxious laugh that echoed throughout the house.

2. I shed a tear today, it trickled painfully from my eyes and fell into my hands. I quickly put myself together and carried on.

3. I couldn’t stomach food today. I ate slowly until I couldn’t handle it anymore.

4. I ate everything today. My appetite was monstrous and I couldn’t stop myself from scoffing down everything in sight.

5. I smiled today. I listened to her voice over and over again until I was able to make sentences in my head using her voice. Making her say what I wanted to hear.

6. I couldn’t look at her pictures today, remembering the fact that she was not here anymore made me anxious.

7. I stared at her photo today. Taking in every detail frantically, because I was not ready for my mind to start forgetting the little things.

8. I dreamt about her today. I slept early and thoughts of her and memories of her… Her laugh… Her advice… ran rampant in my mind.

9. I prayed to God to let me dream of her today. I begged and bargained with Him. Asking Him to let me see her one last time.

10. I told her to rest today. I remembered how unfair everything was here, so I was happy she was in paradise. In happiness. In freedom.

11. I screamed her name into the steering wheel as I drove down a long road. Tears streamed down my face as I tried to keep my eyes open. I screamed until my vocal chords gave in and I was sore. I wanted her attention. I wanted her to tell me to stop. I wanted to hear her voice, I didn’t want her to leave completely. My heart ripped itself into shreds hoping my pain would awaken Heaven and she would be brought back.

12. I clenched my jaw today. Holding it together because I had to. I looked into the mirror and told myself to be brave and face the day.

13. Today I curled up into a foetal position. I felt vulnerable. Like an infant. Age didn’t matter today. Responsibilities didn’t matter today. I let my shields down and fell at the feet of the Father, not asking for strength. But asking for an audience. Asking for Him to just listen. I didn’t ask for peace. I wanted every angel to mourn with me. To hurt with me. To break with me. I was okay having my disbelief chip at me. Today I lived in the moment. I felt every second and measured my time by how bad my head pounded

“Which me will I be today?” is the first thing I ask myself every morning. And every morning, a different me shows up.