I was in doubt of who I was and what I had to offer for the longest time. It was hard to open up to anybody because well, the society I grew up in did not make time for sensitive matters.
If you are not studying, then you are working.
My self-insecurity drove me to become more distant because I thought I was not… how can I put this… “able” to live a normal life. I did not ooze the confidence I saw in other people. Therefore, I decided to keep to myself. My upbringing did not help this situation at all, because I was not exposed to the world as much as I would have liked. Maybe I would have broken out of my thinking pattern earlier. Who knows?
Anyway, THAT happened. Then I went to uni, where I was on my own. Nothing was familiar, so I had to create my own environment. Which was something I did not know how to so, then I slipped into depression.
It was hard to believe that I was depressed at first. That the happiness I knew was a facade and that I harboured thoughts and emotions that were over 10 years in the making. As a Christian, I felt it was unchristian to be in that head-space. So opening up to the church would leave me with the same old “read a scripture and pray”. They were the cure. True, they always are. But you also have to get yourself into a place of believing that.
So I would sit. Talk to myself. Counsel myself. Take note of how I felt on certain days… I love writing so then I would write down my worries and my fears and see how I progressed the next month by repeating that and seeing if I managed to overcome them or increase them. It was a journey I decided to embark on. I took my time; I tried to not compare the levels of other people’s confidence to my own because it could have taken them years or seconds to build. I did not know how much time I had to solve my own issues, I figured I was too grown up to feel the way I did. But I doubt God would let me waste time on what was important. So I took my time.
4 years later, I still find the notes of encouragement I would write myself on the nights I felt low. Or the days I felt inadequate. These notes carried more weight as I began to fully appreciate myself and understand that I was literally dealing with my best friend. The constant in my life that I needed to work with well enough if I was to ever see my purpose come to pass.
Some letters were long and reassuring, others were short and impactful. But I wrote them. They would always begin with “Dear Us,”. The Dear Us letters turned into quick voice notes and then into 5 second bursts of energy in the mirror.
Take time to write your own “Dear Us” letters if you ever feel the way I felt. Your life is a project that needs continuous improvement and self-development. If you are not prepared for a greater level in life, then you will reach it and will not know what to do with yourself, you will not handle the situation the best you can.
I have always known that new levels entail new devils. Even the enemy has placed different levels of strength at every height you are purposed to reach. SO prepare yourself for the greatest, and make yourself BE the greatest you.
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