Tribute: Pedicure

We all stood in the ICU, surrounding her. Wailing.

“You told me she was okay.” I solemnly told the medical staff. They all hung their heads to avoid looking at me. I understood why.

I cannot recall everything from that day or moment, but I know the white blanket was removed from her feet at one point… Just then, the pink nail polish on her toenails pierced my eyes. I remember her asking me for my opinion on the colour the Saturday before. It looked awful in the bottle. But was the most stunning thing I saw that morning.

She did her nails on her own every Saturday. And when I’d ask her where she was going, she would say “Dress up for yourself. Look good for yourself.”

She looked good for herself, and glowed for all of us.

She looked like she was sleeping.

Mum never slept. She was always on call. If we were sick, should would say “Call me if you feel worse, you know I don’t sleep.”

“Mummy?” I said softly, she didn’t respond.

She was asleep.

“She looks like she is sleeping.”

“Yeah.”

She was not worried about anything as she slept. She was not anxious about anything as she slept. She was so… Peaceful.

“She looks like she is smiling”

“I know right.”

I touched her shoulder and she was growing cold.

The doctor said I could tell her something. She said she could hear me. At that point in time I was ready to throw hands because that statement made no sense to me.

I wasn’t prepared. I didn’t know what to tell her. We never planned our conversations. We never planned our goodbyes. So what could I possibly say?

I opened my mouth and I said: “Hi, you look beautiful.”

She didn’t respond. But I know what she would say to that. She’d say “You know me.” with a smile that made me roll my eyes and laugh. The world told her many things she did not know, but one thing she was certain of, was that she was beautiful. And not even the world could take that away from her.

The little of the heart I had left breaks in a different way every single day. Making me wonder what will be left in the end.

But uncertainty is part of the process I guess. We never knew we’d lose her.