Tribute: Waves

The water is calm most times. Until I start to think, wish, dream, regret.

Each wave that passes over me, I sit in its shadow and wait for whatever is to come upon me to engulf me but for a moment until it passes by.

I am surrounded by a darkness I myself have never understood and so I wait. I let myself drown a little bit. Not allowing the deafening sound of the reality of it to block me from reaching out for the present when it subsides.

It feels like something I would permanently dwell in if I allowed myself to breathe in the water and have each cup of water painfully fill my lungs. It is an addictive moment where you are certain you are broken, and in the uncertainity of it all – you crave the stability of that one emotion. It is cold and hollow underneath the wave. It is dark and confusing underneath the wave. It is brutal and misguiding under the wave.

I recite God’s promises in the midst of the tall, tall waters. Saying what my heart believes.

When the wave passes, I rise. It doesn’t make me stronger. But I rise. And even if you are not here, that’s what you would expect of me.

I have found comfort in the wave because it detaches me from everything but for a moment where I actually know how I feel.